My entire world is suspended. It’s like everything is moving in slow motion if it’s moving at all. At the same time, it’s screaming along like a fully-loaded freight train without breaks on a steep descent.
A cynical attitude.
Those are life-long habits I’ve honed over the decades. They follow me everywhere I go.
Deciding to move to Wyoming not knowing how things would work out has been the toughest decision my husband and I have made in our 17 years of marriage. This new plot-twist in life is forcing us to examine our thought patterns and thinking habits. It’s forcing us to exercise our faith in ways we never imagined.
At first, things felt surreal.
Like a foggy dream.
Tuesday, a contract was drawn up on our house. All it needs is a closing date.
Yesterday, John took away some pretty large items with lots of memories attached. The purging process has begun.
We lost Chloe in December.
Esau a week and a half ago.
But I am determined not to doubt. John and I made a pact that if we chose to move, we would trust God completely. We would not pray and then doubt God would answer. We agreed to trust Him to answer in His way.
How am I doing?
Well, truth is, I am numbing out. I’m not allowing myself to think or feel much. When doubt crept in I watched multiple episodes of Downton Abbey.
I researched graphic design principles of novel covers.
I asked God to help me not doubt.
I know some say it’s important to be expectant. To decide things are going to work out a certain way… I’m not there. And I’m not sure if my expectations are real or true. I need to focus on not doubting.
Yesterday we were supposed to find out if a spec home would go on the market. The contract fell through on the other buyer’s end. We were hoping to go up to Casper today to see the house and start paperwork to secure it.
This house is a deal.
Similar to what we have, but brand new and not a single swath of duct tape in sight!
Next to a river with bike and walking trails.
I would be content there.
The seller and real estate agent are giving that other buyer every chance to save their contract. Now, it will be end of business day, Friday before we know anything. At best, there is a 50/50 chance things would work out for us.
In the shower, I struggled with how to pray about it. What if the other people were praying to get that house? What if they are trusting God to come through for them? After all, the house is build to their specs. Not mine. How can I pray for that house to be mine?
I have to let it go.
Soap in my eyes, I told God that if getting a contract on their current home and getting into that house would draw them closer to Him, then they should have that house. John and I will have to trust Him for another one.
And that is hard.
Because it would mean more suspension.
As time ticks forward.