I crashed my 2013 Nissan Rouge a few weeks ago. While it’s being repaired, I am grateful a couple from church loaned me a car to use during the weeks mine is in the shop. What did they loan me?
A Lincoln Town Car! Circa 1991!
I tell ya, they don’t make cars like that anymore.
And roadways, driveways and parking lots are not designed to accommodate such vehicles of luxury and… length.
What’s it like driving a 1991 Town Car in 2015?
Imagine driving a mattress down the highway. That’s right… a mattress! Take the thickest, comfiest mattress known to man, add wheels, power steering and brakes. Bumps? What are those? Curbs? What? Where? Did I really run over a moose?
Didn’t feel a thing.
Seriously, it’s one big squishy ride unlike any modern car I’ve ever ridden in.
The Town Car came to me while we still lived at the KOA. My neighbor walked around her camper and eyed the car. She smiled. “You know, that thing is about three quarters the length of my rig!”
Sure enough it was. In fact, it was several feet longer than the GMC Yukon she just bought to pull her rig-which she and her family live in full time.
I slowed down to a stop at a red light. The front of the Town Car even with the SUV in the next lane. Let’s say I was seated where the cargo area of that thing was. I couldn’t wave at the driver if I wanted to. However, I could get away with picking my nose if I wanted to. I didn’t. Ew.
I wonder how many Smart Cars could fit inside the Lincoln?
The trunk is so huge, you could fit a small village inside… think how many bodies it can hide? That is, if I was a murderer…
Which I am not!
My son, Kyle, decided the car needed a name. “Mom, that’s the Poly Shiner.” He hopped off the bottom step of the motor home, backpack slapping his spine.
“The Poly Shiner. Like, it’s what a pirate would name his ship. And that car is as big as a ship. We can be pirates and raid. You know, like for treasure and stuff?”
Suuurrrrreee. That car is so ubiquitous…
A week ago, I went to Vitamin Cottage to get some groceries. There was only one spot available. The trunk end of the Poly Shiner stuck out into the drive lane of the parking lot, I had the nose over the concrete thingy at the front end as far as I could go without putting the car through the building. Pulling out was an adventure. I had SUVs on either side of me. Large ones. The width of the drive lane in which I needed to back out was half of the length of the Shiner. It took me ten minutes of creeping forward, adjusting a hair, pulling back until I could get that thing out.
No one could get around me.
By the time I extracted the car from it’s space, traffic was backed up onto the road for at least a block as cars waited to get into the parking lot.
Talk about embarrassing. Casper is a small city. A very small city.
At least no one got a ding or scratch. Go me!
I haven’t been back since.
And then there’s the power steering! I could turn that car with my nose hairs, that steering is so silky sensitive. When I drive my husband’s Juke, I feel like I have hang on the steering wheel with all my weight to turn the car, and it’s the size of a VW bug! Not to mention I weigh as much as a VW bug…
They just don’t make cars like that any more.
And they sure don’t make roads and parking lots to accommodate.
Which makes driving it a high sea adventure!
The jury is still out on conducting raids. Not sure what I’d raid for. Chickens? I’ve always wanted some.
Oh, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get the comments to work on this blog. Believe me I tried. But alas, WordPress refuses to cooperate. So comment on social media and share with friends!