Tag Archives: humor

Operation Selfie Spoof

As someone who has a face better served by the back side of a camera, I’ve never been able to wrap my brain around this whole selfie thing.

Seriously.

Talking to my friend Lee-Ann, I discovered I wasn’t the only one who thinks the selfie thing is a bit odd.

So this weekend I threw down a selfie spoof challenge based off of actual selfies we’ve been visually assaulted with on a variety of social media platforms.

Below, you will find our interpretation of what selfie-aholics really look like to the rest of the world.

Classic Duck Face

Classic Duck Face

Magazine cover contour doesn’t come naturally to us average looking folk. It doesn’t to the girl on the magazine cover either. A makeup artist spends hours using special makeup to create those killer cheekbones. For the rest of us here in ‘Merica, we’ve got the Duck Face.

I just wanna be a walrus

I just wanna be a walrus

For some, selfies are a way to… get in touch with nature. Here, Lee-Ann gets in touch with her inner walrus-her spirit animal.

Contemplative Nature Selfie

Contemplative Nature Selfie

For others, we like to uh… smell the trees and contemplate the green things a little deeper. Note the downcast eyes, and elongated jaw for dramatic, artistic effect (and the illusion of cheekbones).

Glam Shot

Glam Shot

Lee-Ann got her eyebrows did, and experimented with a new shade of lipstick. When such events happen, the world of social media must know! Check out that sexy, come-hither expression!

When sexy glam doesn't work for you...

When sexy glam doesn’t work for you…

… you turn to the kitchen gadget drawer for help. Note the egg-beater in the hair. I also added the popular I’m-sticking-my-tongue-out-so-I-can-lick-you-through-the -screen element. I saw several tongue selfies this weekend. (Does this look give me cheekbones?)

Does this make my butt look big?

Does this make my butt look big?

No comment. Trust me, it’s best not to comment on such selfies. If you value your friendship and/or life.

Fire Hydrant Selfie

Fire Hydrant Selfie

Everyone who is anyone takes picture of themselves wrapped around a fire hydrant. Get with the #selfietrends people!

My ride is cooler than your ride.

My ride is cooler than your ride.

“Look at me! I am driving a super expensive super cool thing with wheels! And you are not!”

I am here and you are not

I am here and you are not

Enough with the foot selfies already! Isn’t the picture alone proof you were there? No one wants to see your gnarly feet obstructing the view of a beach. So here’s my butt to prove I am standing in front of pretty mountain scenery. Because without it, no one would believe I was there.

Frenetic Coffee Fiend

Frenetic Coffee Fiend

I dare you to count how many people pose with coffee mugs in their profiles.

Don't hate me cuz I'm artsy

Don’t hate me cuz I’m artsy

Can’t forget the reflection in a random car window selfie. Just. Can’t.

I love my cat

I love my cat

Me an’ my cat. I guess the open mouth pose is another attempt to create the illusion of cheekbones where there are none. What is really looks like, is the person is trying to catch flies.

If you want to see how it all went down in real time, check out #selfiespoof on Facebook. Feel free to add a few of your own satirical interpretations.

Coming soon on Joy in the Litterbox:

The strapped-in-my-car video. Because no one who is anyone will take you seriously unless you record your video in your car.

Wanna seal a deck?

Trillions of those stick things in the railing made me crazier than I already am!

Trillions of those stick things in the railing made me crazier than I already am! This is just the back deck! It’s big. Very. Big.

Holy cow.

Seriously.

Who knew sealing the back deck and front porch would take FOUR FULL DAYS?

I’ve painted a lot of things in my life. Rooms. Ceilings. Porches. Exteriors of homes… it takes time. It’s tedious and your feet end up with ladder rung imprints for about two weeks.

But sealing raw wood on a deck and porch?

First off, there’s those little one inch wide stick

Front porch with a gazillion more stick things. I won't talk about the battle with the lawn sprinklers.

Front porch with a gazillion more stick things. I won’t talk about the battle with the lawn sprinklers.

things that are part of the railing. There are MILLIONS of them. Each one has FOUR sides. Two sides are between two other stick thing-a-ma-bobs. Which means you have to torque your wrist at some weird alien angle to get the stain on.

When I found out the builder didn’t seal the wooden structures and that I had to do it, I thought, eh, I could knock out the back deck in an afternoon and the entire front porch in a half day.

Bwahahaha!

Who was I fooling? I hallucinated I lived on Planet Home Depot!

Hey, did you know wood is thirsty? It sucks up that oil-based sealant like a dehydrated camel with a bad case of here-jeebies.

I dipped my brush, skimmed off the excess, then pulled the brush over the wood surface.  One trillionth of an inch into said brush pull, the sealant disappeared!! Brush dry! Wood looked like it never met my brush.

After a while, I slinged and slopped that oily stuff all over those stick things. (My husband, who is an architect, has a special name for them, but they are evil and don’t deserve such a fancy sounding name.)

Not only was wood finally covered in sealant, but I was as well.

It didn’t smell all that great.

Neither did I.

So… six hours later… I was only 3/4 of the way done with the railing on the big deck. That does NOT include the stairs.

Sore, slimy and somewhat defeated, I stared at the deck as the coolness of the Wyoming evening crept in gumming up my stain. I wanted to cry. How many days was this gonna take?

Four full days later I was done. My dog is lucky to be alive.

So is everyone else in my house.

But it’s done.

I think my family owes me. Like, a really nice dinner out? Maybe a trip up to the Winchester Steak House in Buffalo?

What do you think?

Mom, that’s not a car, it’s a boat!

I crashed my 2013 Nissan Rouge a few weeks ago. While it’s being repaired, I am grateful a couple from church  loaned me a car to use during the weeks mine is in the shop. What did they loan me?

A Lincoln Town Car! Circa 1991!

The Poly Shiner which cruises the streets of Casper like a mattress on wheels.

The Poly Shiner which cruises the streets of Casper like a mattress on wheels.

I tell ya, they don’t make cars like that anymore.

And roadways, driveways and parking lots are not designed to accommodate such vehicles of luxury and… length.

What’s it like driving a 1991 Town Car in 2015?

Imagine driving a mattress down the highway. That’s right… a mattress! Take the thickest, comfiest mattress known to man, add wheels, power steering and brakes. Bumps? What are those? Curbs? What? Where? Did I really run over a moose?

Didn’t feel a thing.

Seriously, it’s one big squishy ride unlike any modern car I’ve ever ridden in.

The Town Car came to me while we still lived at the KOA. My neighbor walked around her camper and eyed the car. She smiled. “You know, that thing is about three quarters the length of my rig!”

Sure enough it was. In fact, it was several feet longer than the GMC Yukon she just bought to pull her rig-which she and her family live in full time.

I slowed down to a stop at a red light. The front of the Town Car even with the SUV in the next lane. Let’s say I was seated where the cargo area of that thing was. I couldn’t wave at the driver if I wanted to. However, I could get away with picking my nose if I wanted to. I didn’t. Ew.

I wonder how many Smart Cars could fit inside the Lincoln?

The trunk is so huge, you could fit a small village inside… think how many bodies it can hide? That is, if I was a murderer…

Which I am not!

My son, Kyle,  decided the car needed a name. “Mom, that’s the Poly Shiner.” He hopped off the bottom step of the motor home, backpack slapping his spine.

“The what?”

“The Poly Shiner. Like, it’s what a pirate would name his ship. And that car is as big as a ship. We can be pirates and raid. You know, like for treasure and stuff?”

Suuurrrrreee. That car is so ubiquitous…

A week ago, I went to Vitamin Cottage to get some groceries. There was only one spot available. The trunk end of the Poly Shiner stuck out into the drive lane of the parking lot, I had the nose over the concrete thingy at the front end as far as I could go without putting the car through the building. Pulling out was an adventure. I had SUVs on either side of me. Large ones. The width of the drive lane in which I needed to back out was half of the length of the Shiner. It took me ten minutes of creeping forward, adjusting a hair, pulling back until I could get that thing out.

No one could get around me.

By the time I extracted the car from it’s space, traffic was backed up onto the road for at least a block as cars waited to get into the parking lot.

Talk about embarrassing. Casper is a small city. A very small city.

At least no one got a ding or scratch. Go me!

I haven’t been back since.

And then there’s the power steering! I could turn that car with my nose hairs, that steering is so silky sensitive. When I drive my husband’s Juke, I feel like I have hang on the steering wheel with all my weight to turn the car, and it’s the size of a VW bug! Not to mention I weigh as much as a VW bug…

They just don’t make cars like that any more.

And they sure don’t make roads and parking lots to accommodate.

Which makes driving it a high sea adventure!

The jury is still out on conducting raids. Not sure what I’d raid for. Chickens? I’ve always wanted some.

Oh, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get the comments to work on this blog. Believe me I tried. But alas, WordPress refuses to cooperate. So comment on social media and share with friends!